What I thought would be a great night of metal turned into a surreal evening filled with bitch-fighting between band members and the crowd, a midget from NYDM claiming to be its president annoying me, no mosh-pits, and lackluster performances from all three acts. Where do I begin? Let's start in the beginning, shall we?
CARNIFEX - First up was a band from San Diego who I was more than willing to despise based on the fact that they are part of a growing scourge in metal (yes, there is yet another one!) called "deathcore" that needs to disappear fast along with emo/screamo. Not that their music mattered much. There were the usual breakdowns and gutteral vocals mixed with shrieks, as found to be commonplace in deathcore, but nothing much in the way innovation or originality, which probably explains why the crowd got so ornery towards them. Now, I'd be lying if I said that this set was boring, because it was actually one of the funniest things I've ever witnessed at a metal show.
FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE EVENING - At least six pairs of middle fingers were held high in the air pointed straight at Carnifex, which caused the singer to confront them from the stage. He literally stepped on the railing, kicking the geeky old professor from past shows, who was standing next to me, in the chin, and began trash-talking the group of (I'm assuming) 14-year-old boys.
Despite the rude comments and the boys' stance against this band, they played their set and, to the delight of the crowd, were finished. I myself was not blown away and feel that they won't make a huge dent in the world of metal ever, but at least something happened to make the band's set not totally suck. Grade: C+
UNLEASHED - The crowd began to warm up a little as these Swedes (fuck, not another one!) took the stage, bedecked with Thor's hammer around their thick-ass necks, and proceeded to pummel the crowd back to death metal glory. There's not much to say here, either, except the usual shit that these foreigners think we in America need. Too much grunting and too much indecipherable, shitty noise that goes nowhere but the morons in the crowd go ape-shit over. The drummer, I think, has a fucked-up eye, but still played well. Um........ yeah, that's it. Grade: C+
I should mention that between these sets, I was bothered by Frank the fat photographer with hair down to his ass crack and his tales of photographing for 30+ years. Finally, I put him in his place and threw all his achievements back in his fat face, tired of hearing him do this and do that with his pictures. Hey Frank, shove those pictures up your ass! You're a dinosaur and no one gives a fuck about what you do. Die already!
OBITUARY - So the "cavemen of death metal" (as coined by Metal Maniacs during an interview) are up now, energy is high and people are psyched as all hell to see these guys who are one-part of the big four of death metal. After witnessing a pretty good set that they did last year at Europa I was actually stoked to see what they had in store. Right off the back, as if following the trend of lameness set down by the first two bands, Obituary quickly sank. Not as bad as the first two groups, but still just as bad. Ralph Santolla's guitar solo was dull, Donald Tardy's drum solo was decent, and the connection just wasn't there between the band and the crowd. This seems to be a consistent problem with John Tardy, the band's frontman, who seldom chats with the crowd or even asks how we feel like much better frontmen do. Not much to say about Frank Watkins and his bass, other than it rumbled, and Trevor Peres on guitar was pretty nonexistent. Some songs played: "Find the Arise," "Chopped in Half," "Turned Inside Out," "Dethroned Emperor," "Threatening Skies," and "Evil Ways." Grade: B-
AFTER THE SHOW - I got to bother...oops, I mean schmooze...with the bands as one after another came piling out the venue. Armed with my usual heinous questions, I got some pretty interesting reactions, some thoughtful but way too serious.
BIGGEST BITCH OF THE EVENING - Ralph Santolla wins the award, hands down. He is a humorless prick and ugly mongoloid who doesn't deserve to have fans. He reminds me of the way Dan Lilker acted, very full of himself and just not warm to fans. When asked for a quick photo, he responded with a somewhat impatient "quick" like the fat piece-of-shit drummer Mikkey Dee from the Motorhead show at Roseland. When I asked Ralph who was the biggest asshole in metal, he gave me some sanctimonious "Dear Abby" response about not wanting to gossip and who was I to ask such a question. Now, granted, it may sound like a rude question, but it was meant to be joking and answered with a "no comment" or "oh, that would be me" response attached to a smile. The man is a douchebag with no sense of humor and should retire. Also, he had some obvious dental work done since I last saw him, but he still looks like a fucking gorilla had raped him as a child. He smokes? Good, I hope he gets cancer and dies!
BIGGEST BITCH OF THE EVENING, PART II - Tomas from NYDM. This little balding, ugly midget had the nerve to get in my fucking face while I was chatting with Ralph and "take a walk," which deserves the funniest moment of the evening as well. Imagine being 5'9 and you're being told by someone who is practically 5'2 and comes up to your chest and tells you to take a walk. Priceless! This fool really thinks he's something because he's the president of a social club? A club that charges its members $100 for stupid-looking patches? Get the fuck outta here, midget! Anyway, I didn't leave and stayed right there to ask Ralph more obscene questions until he finally left.
I got to chat a bit with Carnifex a little bit until more important members of Obituary and Unleashed came out and I left them to get pics. (Sorry, dudes, work comes first!) And I came away with pics of myself and the four members of Unleashed and all five members of Obituary, including redone photos of me and John and Donald Tardy.
INTERESTING FACTS - During Obituary's eight year hiatus, bassist Frank Watkins told me he worked as a mortgage broker while Donald said he just drummed for Andrew W.K., which I already knew, and just drummed at home. The poor sap. And he doesn't mind that gays, blacks, and chicks are in metal. I asked him this because he struck me as a white redneck, from the way he dressed, who hates anything that is different. The guys of Unleashed get on each other's nerves, and are somewhat dull in person. They don't hate Americans as I originally thought, they like the band Opeth, and Opeth doesn't mean jackshit in Swedish. Carnifex are actually cool guys, but will probably have a hard time in the months ahead.
CONCLUSION - Sadly, there were no trinkets to be had. Somehow, the old professor next to me managed to get Donald Tardy's drumstick and Unleashed's setlist. I really hate this guy! If he wasn't 70-year-old I'd kick him right in the teeth. UGH! With that whiny, incessant voice! SHUT UP, YOU UGLY FUR-FACED CREATURE! GODDAMN IT I HATE THESE DUMBASS MORONS! Why do I breathe the same air as them?
There were talks of an after-party at Duff's Brooklyn, and I was going to go, but felt that they would be too much trouble ahead - since I'm known for causing it - and I felt I did enough damage already. At least I came away with knowing that I pissed off some people who needed and deserved to be pissed on.
Price for show - $27
Price for offending the patrons and band members - priceless!
SHIT LIST (Where Douchebags Play)
Ralph "the Mongoloid" Santolla
Frank "Porky" White
Tomas "the Midget President of NYDM"
Show Grade: B-